A while ago one of my coworkers was asking some people what their greatest fears were in life for an article she was writing. Kind of got me thinking and last night I think some of them came to me.
1. I fear that a student who comes into my classroom will forget how amazing he/she is.
This is linked to a story from yesterday. In the class I am student teaching for, there is a young student who is self-contained. This means he is pulled for resource for about half the day. After teaching a whole class lesson I have to provide more one-on-one help to this particular student. Sadly, he has anxiety and a low self-esteem. He knows that he is below everyone else and is always worried what others are thinking about him. Well, over the past few weeks we've gained a relationship and he now chooses to come to the back table to work with me on his own. As a teacher this is one of the greatest feelings. To know that a student trusts you and wants your guidance. Well, yesterday we were at the back table and he was taking his science test. There where two fill-in the blank question that had multiple answers and he was really struggling, but the great thing about him is he wouldn't give up. I told him he could skip them if he didn't know and he said no and kept thinking. Well he did successfully answer the first one after spending quite a while on it. Well the second one was a lot more difficult. He didn't understand the vocabulary fully which made answering it difficult. As we sat there talking he said something to the extent, "There's just a lot going on in my mind. Like people are fighting and stuff." I told him to just do his best and try to picture the videos we watched in class and the activities he participated in. After about a minute of silence he then said, "Sometimes, when I when I can't answer things and I don't know things, I want to kill myself." My heart dropped. I responded saying, "(his name), don't ever say that. You are amazing." Him: "But, how do you know that?" I almost started crying. I seriously had to force myself to hold back the tears. I then gave him reasons I thought he was amazing. He just looked at me almost as if he was expecting me to not have an answer or real reasons. That I was just saying that to say it and that I didn't really mean it. I knew he wanted to respond with reasons he wasn't (because he usually does) but he just looked back at his paper. That was one of the most difficult moments I have had so far as a teacher.
I am not worried that my students will never know how much I care for them, how amazing I think they are, or how much potential they have. But I am worried that after they leave my classroom they'll forget. That others won't remind them. That their peers won't accept them. Children are unique and irreplaceable. I fear that some of them will never fully understand that.
2. Love.
This one is hard to explain. I'm not saying I think I am going to be single forever. It's not that. But will I know what real love is when it comes? Will the person I love with all my heart, love me back the same way? Will they fight for me when times are tough or will they just walk away? After talking with a friend last night I just wouldn't know what I would do if I ever got married and things didn't go as "planned". That thought scares me. Would I be strong enough to find happiness even if it means doing something tough? I couldn't tell you that. Especially now. But I know from past "relationships" that selflessness during and moving on after isn't easy.
2 years ago
